is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
