i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
