Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
