You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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