No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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