i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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