they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
