happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
