Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Duck Duck Cougar?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize