my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
