You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
