I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
its not stalking. its research.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I fill condoms, not promises.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
