woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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