I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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