Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
