Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
