I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
