am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
