Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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