made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
