I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Randomize
