I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
