I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
