Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
