I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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