I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
