He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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