why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
