today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
