I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
