Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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