Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
