She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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