I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
