Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
