the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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