Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
