I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
