The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
