i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
