He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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