you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
