for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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