WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
