For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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