i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
