I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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