WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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