Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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