Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
