I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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