If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
