I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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