Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
operation have a gay friend backfired
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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