what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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