my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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