I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
